


Cooler than a Cucumber

by JC_Mursili



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Age Difference, Anal Sex, Cheesy, Consensual Underage Sex, Cute John Egbert, Emotional Constipation, Eventual John Egbert/Dave Strider, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Multi, Oral Sex, Romantic Comedy, Teen Romance, a little bit of stridercest if you squint for it, all the sex, dave strider is bad at feelings, possibly OOC at points
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:40:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24974731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JC_Mursili/pseuds/JC_Mursili
Summary: When you're a cool guy like Dave Strider, nothing gets you ruffled up. Smuppets, Rose, that annoying guy who always typed in all caps because he was too retarded to turn off his caps lock, and most importantly, NOT your older bro swapping spit and other sexy time fluids with your childhood best bro friend.Ok, maybe that last one gets you a little ruffled up.Dave Strider never thought that he'd be into something as lame and uncool as "love", especially with his childhood best friend. But when his friendship and developing feelings are threatened by none other than the coolest guy who ever existed, his own Bro, Dave finds himself embarking on a Strife that's going to be more intense than being a part of the prom committee, teenage hormones, and surviving high school combined. Sharpen your blades, boys; we're in for a ride.
Relationships: Dave's Bro | Beta Dirk Strider/John Egbert, John Egbert/Dave Strider
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	Cooler than a Cucumber

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first time ever posting anything on Ao3, and I'm both nervous and excited about it! I hope it will be an enjoyable experience; it's been a while since I've written fanfiction after all, haha!
> 
> A quick disclaimer that I haven't finished reading all of Homestuck (I'm about a quarter of the way through), but my mind refused to let this idea slide, so here we are! I apologize in advance if any characters act OOC; I'm operating on what I know or deduce about them based on information up to Act 5.
> 
> ANOTHER disclaimer: this story is going to feature the idea of a 30 year old man being in a romantic relationship with a 16 year old boy. If the warning that I made sure to tag for this story didn't already scare you off, I'm just going to warn you again that if underage stuff like that ain't your jam, this story is not going to be for you, and rather than leave harassing comments, please just click that handy-dandy back button and let me and everyone else who enjoys these sorts of things have our space. Honestly, this story will probably be the least problematic thing I write on this site, so I may also not be an author you want to jive with. We've all got our things ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> I will do my best to do weekly updates, and those updates can be expected for either Saturday or Sunday evenings (even if it's techinically past midnight where I live at the time I posted this story, it's still Sunday in my brain cuz I didn't go to sleep yet, so shhhh). Once summer is over, I'll be back on that graduate school grind, so my updating may not be as clean, but we'll see what we can do!
> 
> Without further ado, let's get this bad boy started! I love Dave sm, so most of the story is going to be from his perspective. I always love feedback to help me grow as a writer (or even to just tell me what you enjoy about what you're reading), so let me know what you think; I'll do my best to respond to every comment. Enjoy!

At the age of 16, there’s a lot of things that happen in a teen’s life.

High school, which is more like a cruel instance of a human social experiment gone horribly wrong but the government is a bunch of sadists who insist on not calling the experiment off early.

Driving tests, which are lowkey just a test to see whose parents didn’t give two shits about the law and let their kid drive while they were underage.

Real tests that studying for is usually a pain in the ass to do.

Acne, unless you are some sort of unicorn who manages to go through puberty without a single zit. If you are, you can kindly go fuck yourself.

Dating, even if your parents may or may not know about it.

Immersing yourself in hobbies that usually drowned out the noises of your Bro messing around with your best bro friend-

Ok, so maybe that last one wasn’t part of a typical high school teen’s experience.

But it was somehow very weirdly and very wrongly a part of Dave Strider’s.

Don’t get Dave wrong; he wasn’t a homophobe or anything lame like that. It was the exact opposite of cool to get all sweaty over what spicy activities got people sweating in the bedroom. Honestly, just like cool guys didn’t look at explosions, Dave didn’t look into his Bro’s bedroom to try and see what kinda weird bedsheet tango shenanigans he was getting up to.

Really, it was all Cal’s fault, if Dave was gonna be lame and blame someone else for his sorrows… which he totally wouldn’t do because again, he’s a cool guy. If that puppet hadn’t gone all rogue and tripped Dave as he was casually walking down the hall with a nice bottle of apple juice, just minding his business all cool-guy-like-and-all and not looking at the ground since cool guy’s only looked straight ahead, never behind and never down, he wouldn’t have tripped and caught his Bro red-handed.

Literally. When Dave had slammed the door open, the dude had had his hand cupping a very rosy-faced John, the glasses-wearing teen having screeched like the uncool guy he was while Bro maintained his ice cold persona. Seriously, the guy was the master of being cool; even Ice Cube couldn’t get to the subzero levels that Bro walked around shirt- and pantless in. The guy was a living legend; one of the best there ever was and definitely not one to crack from being caught kissing his little brother’s best friend by said little brother. Being the disciple of Cool, Dave had picked up his glasses and left his juice, exiting the room and saying nothing as he walked back to his own room and sat at his desk, staring at nothing as he tried to comprehend what he had just seen.

Dave didn’t realize how long he had been staring at the exact same scratch on one of his beloved records that was strewn across his desk until his phone had vibrated in his pocket. Totally not jumping from the unexpected feeling because again, Dave was well on his way to being way past cool, like that blue little hedgehog dude but significantly cooler and human, the blond teen had reached into his pocket to see that his best friend had sent him a message on PesterChum.

\-- ectobiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

EB: hey, so that was a little weird, huh? 

TG: what was? 

TG: only thing that’s weird is how all the apple juice around here keeps getting jacked 

TG: think the smuppets are at it again 

TG: trying to crack me with those soft asses of theirs 

TG: not sure how they think they’re gonna crack me when they’re as hard as, like, i dunno, really squishy rocks 

EB: dave. 

TG: i know we learned this one time in that one class, but all that school shit just goes in one ear and out the other 

TG: just not enough space when my mind is too busy spinning all these words into a lyrical orgy of genius 

TG: also what 

EB: are you talking about earth science? 

TG: dunno, probably 

TG: is that the one with the rocks? 

TG: if so, then yes 

EB: well, sorry about your juice. 

TG: eh, not like you’re the one who jacked it 

TG: wait 

TG: are you the one who jacked my juice? 

EB: :B 

TG: wow, so not cool, dude 

TG: except i literally don’t give a shit cuz I can always just buy more juice 

TG: bout to have myself a juice-sta. It’s like a fiesta, but with juice and no party 

EB: that doesn’t sound nearly as fun as the name made it out to be. 

TG: WIP 

EB: so we’re just not gonna talk about it? 

TG: i asked you what earlier, and you completely ignored me 

TG: started critiquing my juice activity time naming instead 

TG: you really gotta start learning how to stay on topic during these talks, man 

EB: okay. 

EB: i guess i’ll just say it then. 

EB: so me and your Bro are kinda a thing. 

TG: K 

EB: ? 

EB: really? 

TG: what 

EB: it doesn’t… bother you? 

TG: nah 

TG: cmon, man, i thought you knew me better than this 

TG: what kind of best friend are you? 

EB: so you’re cool with it then? 

TG: cooler than a cucumber 

TG: actually, scratch that 

TG: not cuz I’m not cool with you and my Bro doing the biznasty together or whatever 

TG: that’s cool, idrc 

TG: but that phrase needs some work 

TG: come back when I have a better one 

TG: it may take a bit to come up with a phrase that can possibly encompass the sheer amount of coolness that I feel toward you and my Bro being a thing 

TG: which is a lot of coolness btw 

TG: an unreal amount 

TG: honestly insane 

EB: ok, as long as you’re cool with it… I just thought it might be weird since he’s your big bro and all, and I didn’t want to weird you out, i guess. 

TG: you’re really hurting me here, egbert 

TG: when have I ever not been cool with all the weird shit that you do 

TG: not that I think your thing with my Bro is weird or whatever 

TG: cuz it’s not 

TG: but you’re a pretty weird guy 

TG: and you have the lamest movie tastes that I’ve ever seen in a kid our age 

TG: seriously, man, we really gotta work on getting you into seeing some quality cinema 

TG: cuz what you’re into ain’t it, chief 

TG: but if all that weirdness juju that makes you you hasn’t made me lose my cool and stop hanging with you, then obviously you and my Bro being a thing ain’t gonna do it either 

EB: ok, well, before you started telling me all of your wrong opinions about movies, you had me almost feeling grateful to you. 

EB: but still, thank you, dave. 

EB: i’m really glad you’re my best friend :B 

TG: yeah ok 

\-- ectobiologist [EB] stopped pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

After their text chat, Dave and John hadn’t really talked much more about it, continuing on with their school days and casual hangouts for the next week or so without any hiccups in their interactions. It wasn’t that Dave didn’t care or something; he just figured it wasn’t his business until someone made it his business. And he wasn’t just going to ask his Bro about when he started diddling around with his underage best friend… Scratching the illegality of the whole thing aside, he also didn’t want to possibly embarrass his already cutely awkward (wait, did he just think his best friend was cute? Huh…) best friend. Plus, John was probably being considerate and not wanting to make Dave uncomfortable by talking about how him and Bro liked to get down, even if Dave was totally chill with the whole thing and really couldn’t give two shits. He had way more important things to do than focus on his best friend’s thing with his Bro, and that was exactly what he was intent on doing on this fine Friday afternoon as he chilled in his room with his headphones on full blast.

Yep, totally cool and focusing entirely on making some fresh beats for the mixtape that was going to knock that stupid prom committee’s socks off. The fact that Rose really thought that Dave wouldn’t be able to come up with the illest tracks that would make the dance floor a federal disaster zone from the dangerous levels of hype that were about to be unleashed upon it was asinine to the blond teen.

“Mmm… D-Dirk, haha! Th-That tickles!”

“Oop, my bad, little man…”

But still not as asinine as what was happening right next door. Again, Dave wasn’t a homophobe or a prude; he was all about the biznasty, if the right person and timing came along. But he had to say that if he was the type of person who could easily be ruffled up, which he definitely wasn’t - he was like the Lays of potato chips; smooth and 100% not ruffled -, then he would admit that it was just a bit weird that his Bro and his best bro were… a thing. Well, Dave wasn’t even really sure if they were a thing or not. John had never called his Bro his boyfriend in that text conversation, and Bro never seemed to call his best friend any of those gross and super lame pet names that couples liked to spout at each other like they had chronic affection-based word diarrhea.

God, relationships were so lame.

Honestly, Dave had thought that John had agreed with him about relationships at one point. The guy had never shown any interest in Jade or Rose or any real girls, and even taking his relationship with his Bro into account since that probably made John at least bisexual, Dave had never noticed John taking any interest in any guys at school. And yet, there he was, a wall and less than five feet away, getting all cuddly or whatever with his Bro. Dave could certainly understand his Bro’s appeal; the dude was literally the master of the three C’s: Cool, Calm, and Collected. Those were great qualities to have in a partner, and being with Bro was like being with the Adonis of bachelors after all since no one did anything better than his Bro…

But still, Dave found himself wondering why exactly John went for his Bro and not for someone who was, well, closer to his age? The age gap was… pretty big, his Bro having just said “sayonara” to his 20s a couple of months ago. Hell, John had basically viewed the guy as his own “Bro” when they were in their preteens, often coming over to gush over his brother’s extensive martial arts weapons collection from the classes he taught over the weekends.

Did the crush start back then?

Why did it even matter though? So, his 16 year old best friend apparently had a raging hard-on for his 30 year old Bro. Whoopdeefuckingdo. It wasn’t that big of a deal… Relationships happened all the time… And most of them ended up miserable anyway, so they probably wouldn’t last-

Geez, would John be really heartbroken over it, especially if his crush started back when they were, like, 13?

John was a weirdo, but he was a good guy. And as the good guy’s best friend, the responsibility to pick up the pieces of his broken heart would naturally fall on Dave. That was why he cared so much… for sure… It’d be a lot of work to fix his broken heart, and Dave was a pretty busy guy after all. Those tables weren’t going to turn themselves.

It definitely didn’t have to do with some weird “why not go for me over my Bro” thing… nah.

This wasn’t some lame romantic comedy story or some shit; this was real life, and real life had real consequences.

Dave admired his Bro; the guy was his idol. But Dave also knew that his Bro wasn’t exactly the greatest at holding down relationships… not through any fault of his own. The guy just had a lot to give the world; he was like the Alexander the Great of the dating world. He conquered a lot of ground but didn’t exactly stay inside one person for long. Dave could jive with it; he didn’t really care either way what his Bro got into with other people…

But now that his best friend was involved… well… Even if it was pretty lame and uncool to care that much, Dave didn’t want his best friend to get hurt. John deserved to be with a guy who was going to be there for him for the long haul. If Bro was that guy for him, then Dave wouldn’t intervene anymore. He’d let it be and be able to finally focus on the mix track that was going to literally ring in a new era of music. And then maybe all that weird stomach shit he was dealing with that the bubblegummy goodness of Pepto Bismol was doing nothing to settle would finally go away any time he thought about how red John’s face had been when he pulled away from his Bro’s kiss, glasses being just the slightest bit crooked and revealing bright blue irises that seemed a bit hazy with an emotion that Dave had never seen before-

Dave was about to overdose on this shit at this rate if it didn’t start kicking in soon.

Giving up on his sick beats for now, the blond teen sighed as he removed his headphones and sat back in his chair, red eyes staring at the tinted-black ceiling as his Bro and John - nah, that was definitely just John since he had that weird wheezy thing going on at the end of every giggle - messed around next door.

He just needed to figure out his Bro’s intentions… get a better idea of the extent of John’s feelings, and then he’d be out of their business quicker than him and his Bro when the older man had yoinked them both out of the foster care system the millisecond he turned 18. He’d probably grab some of them crab rangoons to celebrate a job well done as a best friend who was just looking out for his best bro and Bro’s best interest. And of course, he would do it in the coolest possible way because Dave was a cool guy who totally wasn’t sweating from the little gasp he heard next door that sounded suspiciously like-

Oh.

Dave casually slid his headphones onto the table, humming loudly to block out the sounds of John’s pleased gasps as he got up from his desk chair and slid his wallet into his pocket. The Chinese shop right down the road was probably still open. Nothing wrong with an early celebration, right? Right. Dave pulled out his phone, planning to get the crunchy little bastards to go. Crab rangoons just really sounded good right now… much better than thoughts of the faces his childhood best friend was making from his Bro’s experienced touch on his heated skin-

“Yeah, can I get a dine-in order of crab rangoons? How many? Gimme a whole fuck ton, I wanna feel cream cheese drooling out of my ears and nose before I say when…”

Yep, definitely not weirded out or jealous about this whole thing between his best bro and his actual Bro. Nope. He was just concerned, was all.

It was a good thing this was real life and not a shitty romantic comedy fiction.

Hahahahahahahaha…

Dave was so fucked. But not as fucked as those crab rangoons were about to be. Nothing was gonna be more fucked up than those little fried minions of deliciousness at the end of all of this.


End file.
